My life is not about me! I hear that phrase so constantly, but I need it so much. I can nod my head and agree that I do believe that I am not what life is about, but in my soul I care so much about myself. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of what I do everyday. I’m sick of putting off school so that video games can come first. I’m sick of thinking that I know what I’m doing! I’m sick of not being in the Word. I’m sick of telling myself I will do better tomorrow everyday.
As I look at the previous paragraph, there are sixteen instances of the pronoun ‘I.” That’s not what I want my life to be about. My life is entirely about God. Nothing I do to please myself ever will. I think I know what give me enjoyment, but I don’t.
I haven’t posted on this blog since May 27th. There are 3 unfinished drafts sitting in my blog dashboard, thoughts that will never be completed. This summer I’ve grown closer to God more than any other summer in my life, I just haven’t had the will to come and write about it. Right now, I’m frustrated at myself, forcing myself to put my thoughts on “paper.”
I’ve been doing some thinking while mowing the grass, my default deep thinking time. I’ve come to conclusion that the biggest idol in my life is video games. I’ve head-known this for a while now, but sometimes things just need to click to be heart-known. Video games have taken time away from God, friends, school, family, and myself. I’ve been sick of them for a while now, but I keep levitating towards what I know. I continually realize that they don’t do anything for me, yet I want them so much more than they are worth.
I’ve finally decided to give them up. They aren’t worth my time, since my time is not my own but God’s. I’m not saying that I am going to stop playing them. Video games are an awesome tool to minister to people, but they are also an awesome tool to destroy lives. I’ve decided that I am not going to play video games on my own time. I am not going to spend the hour grinding for mob drops, or figuring out the puzzles that I couldn’t. I’m still going to play games with my friends, as that is one of the few ways we can hang out when living far away. But the many hours I’ve wasted I will never be able to get back. I cannot, however, look at the mistakes in the past and be upset. The past is the past and it will never change. God doesn’t want me for who I was, who I am now, or who I will be. He wants me because He is good.