In two days [from my start of writing this], it will be exactly a year since I last posted anything on this blog.
Before I start listing off reasons and excuses, I just want to say I’m sorry.
It’s not that I haven’t grown at all in the past year. I’ve grown so much this past year that it’s insane what God has been doing in my life. But it’s also insane how selfish and self obsessed and self pleasing I’ve been in the past year.
There are 8 unfinished posts that I have sitting in my blog dashboard. I’ve started and for whatever reason, I haven’t finished them. I’ve collected the good one[s] from the drafts, and I’ve published them under the new Unposted Ramblings page. I guess they aren’t really unposted anymore, but they’re unfinished, and I feel like I need to share them with you. As of writing, they is only one that I consider good enough to be published. It’s this one.
I’d recommend that you read it before you read this post, because it’s a lot of background to where I’ve been.
The last post over a year ago said that I would commit to only using video games as a ministry tool.
Yes, I gave that up. Read the above post if you want to know why.
And yes, video games as an idol is still a big struggle. But I personally think that about a year ago I was a bit more idealistic. I thought giving up video games would instantly make me forget about them and even make my life significantly better.
If you have any advice for me, please tell me in the comments below or by Facebook or even email.
I’ve gone through so much this past year I really don’t know what to say. I’ve struggled so much with doing what I want. I just now realized how strange it is that right after I finish trying to defend video games, I go right into saying how they were my biggest problem this summer.
This is a whole lot simpler but so much more complicated that I thought.
Here’s my conclusion:
Video games are not the problem. My heart is the problem. My heart is desperately wicked and sick. I don’t want God on my own power. I want what I want, and this summer, what I wanted was video games. I had what I wanted. I spent all my time on what I wanted. What I wanted hurt so bad.
God is good.
God is the only satisfaction.
Nothing else will satisfy. Not people, not video games, not being more “spiritual”, not try to be better next time.
God alone will satisfy.
I’ve recently been focusing so much on my flaws… it’s ridiculous how much is wrong with me.
And I’m exhausted.
Jesus is my rest. My hope. I don’t focus on how I’ve failed. I don’t focus on how to do better. I focus on Him and work my butt off.
I love this graphic from Adam4d.com so much:
A lot of times I like to think that I don’t have a lot of grief in my life. I don’t struggle with having a hard time financially. I don’t struggle with my family situation at all. I’m loved, in a good church, in a Christian school, and my life is easy.
Sometime I can create grief for myself. I search after what I want, and that’s hard. It’s hard work to try to be good enough. It’s hard work faking that I’m happy. It’s hard work trying to be a “leader.”
Jesus loves me. I don’t need to try to fix my problems. I love Jesus and work my butt off. When I fall down because I’m absolutely exhausted, Jesus picks me up and says, “Hey! I got this one for you!” He’s all that I need. I don’t need to be something.
I don’t need to be right.
Jesus is freeing me.
What am I going to do now that I don’t have to do anything?