I haven’t posted on this in what’s getting to be close to a year, so let me introduce myself.
Hi. I’m Grant. I’m a hurting self-obsessed teenager saved by the perfect grace of God.
Nice to see you around here.
Introductions aside, I’m sorry I haven’t posted in forever. I know the tagline of this site is “A Spiritual Diary of Grant McLravy.” And believe me, there’s been growth – tons of it – but there’ve also been setbacks. The last post I made had a commitment I made to use video games only as a ministry tools has been left in the dust for close to 6 months now. I had good intentions, and I see the logic behind it, but…
That’s where I’m stuck- the but. I’m debating whether or not I should continue with that commitment. It makes sense. Video games suck time out of my life I could be spending with my family. They can become an idol so easily. Oftentimes I love them more than God. But then… are video games really the problem? No, my heart is! My heart looks for everything other than God to look to fill the holes in my life. Do video games just happen to be a simple way to do that? Yes. But then… are video games inherently wrong? To that I would say a loud no. Video games as an entertainment medium are not directly wrong themselves. But … when the entertainment becomes the focus of life, there’s an idol right there. The very thing I would loudly say is not wrong has caused me to commit a wrong.
There’s my struggle right there. I want what I want. I’m a nerd. I love good video games. Portal 2 and its amazing storytelling and mental stimulating puzzles, Half Life 2 and the amazing storytelling that seems so big yet so small, and Minecraft- the game in which I can build anything I can imagine. I can’t say that this means I want to give up single player games. I’m a gamer. That is who I am. I enjoy them. They become a problem when my enjoyment of good video games becomes more important than my enjoyment of the infinitely good God. I don’t want them to get in the way, but it’s so easy because they are designed to suck you in, to bring you into their world, to immerse you in their experience. I love Jesus more than I love Alyx Vance. [+10 Internet points to anyone who got that reference] I don’t want to give them up. I’m not sure that I have to. However, what I do have to do is change my heart. I need to realize that my satisfaction does not come from trying to patch up the holes in my life with more material things.
And then I make it about what I need to do. Sure, I need to do things to fix my problems. But that doesn’t flow from a love for God when I just try to fix myself. It flows from me trying another method to patch up my failures. God didn’t love me so that I can try to fix myself. God loved me so that he can fix me. He’s come to do it all for me. All I have to do is believe. And it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna be hard. I don’t naturally believe while I was still without strength, in his due time Christ died for me, the ungodly. [+10 righteous points to anyone who got that reference] Jesus died so that I would never have to pay for my sins. God give grace freely so that I may simply enjoy Him, and run from my sins because I love him. He’s fixed me, and it’s so much bigger than just fixing my addictions. He’s given me “capital L Life.”
And because I put my complete faith in what he has done for me, he’s put in me a desire to love Him. Loving him means putting everything about myself under Him: submitting to God over every little detail in my life. I’m hurting, but Jesus cures not just the hurt. He cures the hurting heart.
That’s awesome. Truly awesome.
And it’s not over yet. Submitting is hard, especially when that submitting means that I can do nothing. I want to fix myself so bad, and I just keep trying and failing. But every time Jesus gives more grace and tells me to run to him.